[Author’s Note: I have but one website to my name, so I will have to host this here.]
If you can’t tell, I’m a liberal. Which, nowadays, means waking up, reading the news and being horrified. But today there was something heartening. Donald Trump is in the UK at the moment. In London, he was greeted by a large balloon. When asked his opinion of it, he replied:
“I guess when they put out blimps to make me feel unwelcome, no reason for me to go to London.”
My God, everyone. Every monster has a weakness. Dracula, garlic and holy water. Frankenstein, fire. The mummy (Brendan Frasier version), kitties. Pikachu, ground types. Donald Trump, satirical balloons.
Well, hell, folks, we need to take advantage of this. I can’t afford a ticket to D.C., but I see no reason not to Trump-proof my immediate area. I visited a Dollar Tree to see what I could put together on the cheap. Turns out you can do multiple Orange Manbaby Effigies for under $5. Here’s a basic guide for your edification.
Bag of balloons, package of diapers (I chose the Looney Toons variety), felt tip markers, hair analog (in this case, tangled-looking curling ribbon bows). Not pictured: clear tape, orange construction paper, gauze or white tape.
Step 1: Blow up balloon.
This part should be self-explanatory, folks.
Step 2: Attach diaper.
First, I needed to size it. I folded the middle and taped it so I’d have enough balloon above the waist to work with. Thus:
Obviously, the little sticky tabs weren’t going to cut it. Orange Manbabies are notoriously pudgy. More tape was required, including a piece at the back to hold it up.
I thought I had some white medical tape in the house somewhere, but I couldn’t find it, so I closed up the gap in the taps with a piece of gauze and more clear tape. It looks more diaper-y that way.
Step 3: Hair!
I decided the balloon looked best with the pointy end up, so I needed to put the hair over the knotted place. The adhesive on the bow was inadequate, but more tape worked quite well. It’s curlier that the real article, but it has a nest-like quality that is quite realistic.
Step 4: Artistic ability!
We now need to employ our markers to make the balloon as Trump-like as possible. I tried to crib the design from the London blimp as much as possible. Eyes and tiny hands first. Maximal eyebags should be attempted.
Followed by the arrogant, bloviating attitude:
Step 5: Little legs.
He looked a little weird with just the diaper, so I hunted up some orange construction paper. You could probably use crepe streamers or just draw legs, too. Or make paper arms and hands, if desired. First, cut out basic shapes.
The wide parts at the bottom are for feet, which I decided to cut off so I could attach them flat part down. Feet first.
Then I accordion-folded the remaining strips to make legs.
Feet attached like so:
And legs attached in diaper leg holes.
The Finished Product!
I belatedly realized I needed to add man-boobs and a double chin. It’s not too bad looking.
Well, I mean, it’s horrifying, but that’s the point. Ideally I would affix it somewhere outside, but it’s pretty hot today and I fear it will explode. I still have more diapers and balloons and ribbon and could theoretically make more, but I’m not sure I want to.
So, now you too can keep Donald Trump away for under $5. I haven’t seen him skulking around nearby lately (he usually keeps to the Phoenix area) so I can’t really test it out, but it probably works at least as well as that tiger-proof rock.
For other things that will be sure to annoy Donald Trump see:
The Fark Politics tab: it’s not news, but it works pretty well as a digest from many sources and points of view, and can help you stay informed. Also The Weekly List, which is much more comprehensive, with no discussion tabs and therefore no trolls. Your favorite news sources are also a good place to begin, unless they include Fox, in which case you can get stuffed.
[Now, if you’d like to visit the Home page and read a web serial that has nothing to do with Donald Trump, that is also an option.]